Lesbian Battering Comes Out of Closet

By Bonnie J. Berger

Editors, Note: Although the following article specifically addresses the Kent-Akron women's community, WSW and the author feel the issue concerns a larger quidience. We hope this discussion generates debate and constructive action in other women's communities.

1 recently attended the Second National Conference of the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. In a number of workshops and discussion papers as well as discussion in the lesbian caucus, we shared information regarding violence in lesbian relationships.

While the focus of the conference was on working with women who are victims of male violence, we realized that violence between women is unfortunately an existing and possibly growing problem in the women's community, and the time has come to begin open and honest exploration of the issues involved. I distened intently, wondering why the problem, to my knowledge, had not affected the Kent-Akron women's community. Feeling as if our community "had it together," I returned home to share my observations and praise for our "politically correct" relationships.

Imagine my surprise! On a recent Sunday afternoon, six of us sat around drinking coffee and talking about our lives and relationships, and out of the six, four women had been in a violent relationship with another woman. Kent-Akron women were not immune to abusive relationships, and had obviously been dealing with them in private ways.

As a worker in the field of domestic violence I feel an obligation to reach out to my lesbian sisters and begin publicly to acknowledge the violence in our lives, and offer insights that might help us all to gain a better understanding of why there is violence, the forms that violence takes, what we can do as individuals and as a community to confront the violence, and resources for lesbians who are in abusive relationships.

The Problem

To acknowledge that we live in a violent society is indeed an understatement. Patriarchal values of strong over weak, white over black, straight over gay, rich over poor, and male over female are pervasive. Some say we learn to be abusive as children-watching our parents fight, fighting with siblings, or being a victim of child abuse. Others maintain it is our violent society, the patriarchy, which

"As feminists and lesbians we reject the premise that physical force is a justifiable and necessary means of control, yet it is hard totally to escape its effects on our psyches.

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subtly brainwashes us. Whatever the reason, we all have the potential to be abusive and to be abused.

As feminists and lesbians we reject the premise that physical force is a justifiable and necessary means of control, yet it is hard totally to escape its effects on our psyches. Within an intimate relationship violence is used to achieve, demonstrate, or assert control or dominance over the other person. It could be postulated that in intimate relationships in which there is a power imbalance, where the parties feel a sense of ownership of the other(s) in the relationship,

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and when people live in a violent culture which teaches the effectiveness of violence, violence will routinely be utilized as a mechanism to gain control over other(s) in intimate relationships.

While the plight of heterosexual battered women has come to the public's attention in recent years, gaining sympathy and support, abused lesbians have had to suffer in silence. There are a number of reasons for this silent suffering. 1) To define ourselves as abused is a very frightening thing. To admit that we've let ourselves" fall into violent behavior can bring about feelings of guilt, fear, frustration, and confusion. Also, stereotypes of be-

ing "butch" or "femme" or "this only happens to bar dykes" may prevent or deter a woman from realizing and naming the extent of her abuse. (A woman at the conference made the distinction between "lesbian-feminists" and "bar-dykes", saying that the former, because of feminist and community pressures, were more reluctant to speak out about their abuse. She pointed out that bar dykes were the ones who attended the support group that has been in existence in Milwaukee since June, 1981.) 2) While heterosexual women may be able to tell their families or friends of their abuse, many times a lesbian cannot. She may not be "out" to her family or friends, and even if she is they may suggest that violence is the consequence of her sexuality. 3) The lesbian community is fearful to speak of the violence in lesbian relationships because of the potential homophobic attacks which may be directed against all lesbians when this information is generally disclosed to the public. 4) Fear of rejection or isolation by the lesbian community. 5) Fear that the battered women's movement will not be supportive, or that confidentiality may be broken.

Very few articles are available on lesbian battering, and little if any research has been conducted. What is

available shows that there are legitimate parallels to be drawn between battered heterosexual women and battered lesbians, although there are exceptions and variations. The violence between lesbians can be equal to that between a man and a woman. Because there may not be as great a size difference between two women, the likelihood of both partners being injured is increased. Barbara Hart in an NCADV discussion paper further explores the use of force by lesbians:

It may be true that women less often use guns when acting in violence against other women. However, it seems that this is only a reflection of the fact that fewer women own or have access to guns. Those women who do own or have access to guns seem to be as likely to use these against women as are men. It may be true that men are more likely to use degrading sexual language and violent sexual acts than women against their lovers. The limited research on sexual violence in this culture, particularly that which deals with violence against children, suggests that men are much more likely to be sexually abusive. This is not to say, however, that lesbians are not sexually abusive. Approximately one-half of the lesbian victims who have talked with the writer have acknowledged that sexual abuse occurred as part of the acts of violence.

Many times the pattern of the abuse can be established and continue in a cyclical fashion. While the cycles have generally been applied to heterosexual women, there may be some relevancy for lesbians as well.

During the first phase, tension building, there are minor incidents between the partners. The incidents increase and continue to build the tension and level of despair. Of the women I've spoken with, most say that the violence started out as pushing, shoying, de playful wrestling that got out of hand. Later it progressed to hitting, slapping, throwing objects, and in one case one woman's head was hit repeatedly against the wall by her lover.

In order to cope, the victim (or the abuser) denies that these incidents may get worse. The victim's passivity may be sending a message to the batterer. that she accepts this behavior and feels it is legitimately directed toward her.

The second phase is the acute battering incident. It is characterized by a violent discharge of built-up tension. The trigger for the move into this phase is rarely the abused woman's behavior; it usually is an external event or the internal state of the abusive woman. In some if not all cases the women were consciously trying to hurt one another. Some report the intensity of the violence increased as it became apparent that the relationship was coming to an end (a possible "way out"?).

Finally, the third phase of calm or resolution occurs. Promises that it will never happen again are said or exchanged, and things are peaceful for a while. It is important to note that while these phases may be applicable to some couples, in others the violence seems to be a mutual exchange-the abuser and abused periodically exchange roles. Thus the labels of victim and abuser are not as clear-cut.

Another parallel to be drawn is the difficulty in leaving an abusive relationship. While lesbians may have an advantage over their straight sisters in that they may be less economically dependent upon the abuser, it is still difficult for most women to support themselves totally on one income. And while there